ROBBED! - Originally Posted November 14, 2007

Current mood: angry
Category: Life

OK. I'm peeved. I got home today and found out I was robbed. They stole all of my lawn gear - more than a thousand dollars worth. More than I can afford to lose, but not enough to claim on insurance, so I may as well have just opened my wallet and let someone just take a grand out. Nice. I'm dealing with some interesting emotions in the wake of this. I'm already trying to pay for Christmas and pay bills and some jerk thinks that he needs my stuff more than I do. Unbelievable. The nerve of someone coming into my yard and just taking stuff just blows my mind. Oh - and my watch dog was right there tooo........ Thanks Cos....:)

Currently listening :
Been Caught Stealing
By Jane’s Addiction
Release date: 30 November, 1990

The Power of Your Words - Originally Posted March 17, 2007

Current mood: contemplative
Category: Religion and Philosophy


Happy St. Patrick's day everyone!~~~~

I have a friend who has developed nodes on his vocal cords, and who cannot speak for the next 6 weeks. He has taken to communicating on his blackberry or other means of non-verbal communication. His wit is as sharp as ever, but he cannot sing, talk, laugh, etc...

I cannot imagine being unable to speak! Being allowed to communicate what is inside of me is something that I would be devastated to lose. Sharing whats inside is what drives every creative part of me. This friend is the same - an amazingly creative and talented person.

I haven't written much lately, largely because I have been recently married, and, um, occupied ;). But I wanted to take a moment to share a little of what this experience has been teaching him, and what he has shared with all of us in the Gateway worship community.

Your voice is an amazing, powerful instrument! If you use it well, it can create some of the most beautiful sounds ever heard. If you misuse it, it causes damage. Thus, the nodes.... This is also true of your spirit! Your words can create incalculable damage, both to yourself and to others. It can leave spiritual "nodes" on your ability to speak good things into the lives of those around you.

I have been guilty of callous and shallow talk both around my home and at work. God had already begun to convict me that my "being one of the guys" was causing my spirit to become numb when my friend began to share this with us - so it really hit home.

Take a moment to reflect on the words you say in your daily life. Are they constructive? Do the edify? Or do they tear down? Do they wound? Even slightly?

My children were afraid of my words for a long time - I gave myself good reasons for my discipline, but the fact is that I was far too harsh with kids I rarely played with... Now I am very intentional to be uplifting and encouraging in everything I say, even when I am training or disciplining them. That doesn't mean that they don't know when I am dissapointed in their behavior, but they never doubt my love.

In my life outside the home, I still need to be more intentional to always let my words have value. I don't want to abuse the great priviledge I have been given to speak!

I hope you all have a wonderful week! I've missed writing here, and so I will be back with more. I've also missed hearing from you all... Drop me a line and let me know how you are!

-J

You see the hands that build can also pull down, even the hands of love. -Bono


Currently listening :
The Crane Wife
By The Decemberists
Release date: 03 October, 2006

Fragile, Part VI: Remarriage?

Ok, I have had several conversations in the last few days with people very close to me about a very sensitive topic in relationships and the church, and I'm more confused now than when I began. The topic is remarriage after divorce. Easy stuff, right? HAHA! I'm writing this blog to solicit opinions from you, my friends and readers.

What does the bible really say about this topic? How do you interpret it? What I have read seems to put me in the clear, but in order to fully disseminate the arguments, one would have to fully understand the finer points behind my divorce, and I don't feel that a public forum is the place for revealing all of that. That being said, what do all of you think, in general terms, about this? I cannot imagine that I am required to either reconcile with my ex-wife or live a celibate life from here on in, which has been suggested by some.

There are other areas of this topic that are troubling me, as well. How soon is too soon to begin dating and considering a life with someone? The divorce care class suggests waiting at least five years to make sure that you are fully healed before beginning to date. Personally, I think thats a giant load of you-know-what. But many think this is the best route. I feel liberated at fully me for the first time in so many years I can't begin to explain it, but there are more than a few that think that I'm foolish to begin considering this in my life.

In addition, there is the issue of my children. Now granted, my divorce was only final a week ago, but I have been seperated for 15 of the last 19 months, and my kids know nothing of the legal battle. They only know that Daddy hasn't lived in the same house as Mommy for over a year and a half, with the exception of a four month period when we tried to live together again. I don't think that they will be harmed by my dating, but a few are telling me that I'm kidding myself.

I'm really confused by the amount of rancor that this is causing in my life. I really didn't expect such a reaction to my dating. Please give me your thoughts, and in a quiet moment, please give me your prayers. I'm so ready to begin to rebuild my life, and when that person comes into my life, I don't want to be unwilling to let her in. As I said in a previous blog, I don't need a woman to find self-worth. I do, however, want to share my life with someone I love. I don't believe that to be in any way co-dependant. Some do. Help me out here. Thoughts?


Currently Listening :
Sixpence None The Richer
By Sixpence None The Richer
Release date: By 10 February, 1998

Fragile, Part V: D-Day

D-Day. December 8, 2006. Eighteen months after things started down the long path to destruction, my marriage that began on March 29, 1996 ended this morning with no fanfare whatsoever. The divorce was settled three weeks ago, and I signed papers two weeks ago. All that remained was for my ex-wife to go down to the courthouse and sign herself. As simple as that, it was over - after months of hand-wringing, sweat, tears, thousands of dollars in legal bills, four confused little boys, six broken hearts, fifty pounds lost, 3 months of anti-depressants, negotiations, accusations, innuendo, nasty words, confrontations, and a complete financial disaster, it ended with a whimper. The only change today was one to insurance policies. The changes over this period of trial by fire, however, are countless to all but God. I am a different person as a result of this divorce. I am a better father, better man, and have a bright and hopeful future. God has worked on my character in ways that only He could. I am sad that it took the destruction of my marriage to get my attention, but grateful for the changes.

So as I consider the damage done and the massive benefit to me and to my children, I can't help but feel satisfied with this result. I'm sure that divorce wasn't in God's perfect will for me, but I'm convinced that my life from this point forward will be. My worldview again has been shaken, but again I think its a more accurate worldview. Grace has new meaning to me today. Its God's grace that has allowed me to see myself as He sees me. It's His grace that caused me to respond to His gentle correction. It's His grace that has brought redemption to the rubble of my life. It's His grace that has helped me to see the kind of father I want to be to my precious little boys. And it's His grace that will lead me farther up and farther in to the plan He has for my life!

Regardless of my romantic future, my future is safe in His arms. I will remain in His arms always! In the meantime, I am very satisfied and very happy today. Bittersweet? Yes. Sad? A little. But mostly - grateful to my family and friends who have held me up in this process. Mom and Dad - You raised me to never consider a divorce to be an option. Now that I have had to walk down that dark road, I am more confident than ever in your love for me, and your unconditional acceptance. Alan and Nancy Smith- You have been faithful friends for most of my life. You walked this valley with me from the beginning and gave your best to make sure I came out the other side refined. I love you. Gateway Church - without the support I have received from this body of believers, I would not have made it through without bitterness. To the men of Discovery Weekends - You showed me a Father God who I knew existed in my head, but never could fully let love me. Steve Heyduck - you are my pastor. Thank you for your unconditional love for me - blessings on your upcoming marriage! Millard Buchholz - you helped me to see Jesus Christ as my savior, and you gave freely of yourself and your time to help to save my marriage. I am completely grateful, even though it didn't end as we had hoped. To my MySpace friends - I have been so encouraged by your comments and emails. I never knew that an online community could be so tight-knit! I appreciate you reading my blogs and commenting on my thoughts. I've not written regularly like this since the sixth grade, and its satisfying to be doing it again and to see that you are reading and enjoying what I have to say. To date, there are 2,363 views to my blog posts! Finally, to my now ex-wife - I thank her for four beautiful boys. They are my life. I wish her nothing but the best and pray for happiness and fulfillment for her.

Now the next part of my life is ahead of me. First and foremost - I continue to pursue the Father God who has brought about these changes, confident that He who began a good work in me is faithful to bring it to completion. I feel like I am largely healed of the hurt and pain caused by this valley - although many who have walked this road before me tell me that I'm dreaming and it should take years upon years to find that healing. While I'm sure that there are unseen pitfalls on the path ahead, I do not accept that it will be a drawn-out recovery. I went to a Divorce Care class last week, and it was almost entirely a giant gripe session - (Oh yeah, you think yours was bad? well wait til you hear MY story...No, mine was worse, no mine!) I did not go back. It was a whole bunch of hurting folks talking about how much they hurt and how blindsided they are and how horrible their marriages were and how long and arduous the recovery should be, and if it isn't long and arduous you are doomed. I don't need that in my life, folks. My God is bigger than that, and I am confident of the work done in me. Are there more things He wants to do in me? Certainly! But I don't need to wallow, and I don't need the counsel and support of people who are bitter and callous. I've had my fill of bitter and callous.

So I will move forward with my life. I am excited to see what is coming in the days, weeks, and months ahead. For the first time in over a decade, I am excited about my future. I have a new hope, a new set of goals, and a second chance.


Currently listening :
Reasons Why: The Very Best (CD + DVD)
By Nickel Creek
Release date: By 14 November, 2006

Who are you?....who who...who who (do you really wanna know?)

Who am I?
Ok. I just took a new type of personality test that has re-shaped the way I view myself, and personality tests in general. Most tests are based on what you do in certain situations - this one focuses on WHY you do what you do, and puts all the questions it asks in the setting of childhood. They ask you to answer as you would as a child - and how you reacted to certain behaviors in others as a child. The whole point is that your personality at its core is set while you are in the womb. Your core needs as a human remain unchanged from birth to death. You may react differently as you grow older, either as a form of self-protection or in response to conditioning, environment, or life experience, but your NEEDS are not any different. This has opened my eyes to a whole new aspect of myself that was unknown to me before now. All of the tests I've taken to date paint me as a particular type of person, and I've lived my life with that understanding of myself. However, I never really understood myself, or why I did the things I did. In the midst of my divorce, I have had so many burning questions about what went wrong, and when I read this, the light went on. Kinda like, well DUH! This test NAILED my needs, wants, turn-ons, and turn-offs as though it were in my own mind. And it did so in a very few questions. I think it only asked 45. In any case, you can see below the description of the test, along with my results. If you want a basic idea of who I am and how I respond - good, bad, and ugly, read below....

The Color Code is Motive-based
You need to know that The Color Code works and is the best tool on the market today, because it is based on human motivations (why you do what you do) rather than on human behaviors (what you do). Behavior (for example, the way you act in a chat room or on a date) can be imitated, copied, or faked, but if you know the true motivation behind the behavior (what is driving the person to behave as they do), you already have a very clear picture of what that person is all about.

You only have one Core Motive or "Color Code"
Your personality type is driven by only ONE of four Core Motives, represented by the colors:

RED (Core Motive = Power, or the ability to move from "a" to "b" as efficiently as possible)
BLUE (Core Motive = Intimacy, this doesn't mean sex, but the need to connect, share feelings, and build relationships with others)
WHITE (Core Motive = Peace, or calm even in the midst of conflict; clarity in the midst of confusion)
YELLOW (Core Motive = Fun, or always enjoying the moment)
These are the four basic personality types that I will teach you about. However, very few people have ever scored 100% in one single color while taking the profile; therefore, you will find that your Core Color is often influenced by traces of the other colors. That is why no two WHITES, although driven by the same Core Motive of Peace, will ever be exactly alike.

Your Color was present at birth and you cannot change it
You were born with your core personality color intact (ask any woman who has given birth to more than one child and she'll tell you that her children had different personalities before they had drawn their first breath), and while parts of your personality do change over time (for example, you may have not been born a good listener, but you have learned to become one), you cannot and should not try to discard your Core Color in an attempt to trade it for another. If you were born a YELLOW, you will die a YELLOW, but you can add to yourself any strength or any limitation of any color to your core self.

All Colors are of equal importance
No personality type is better than another. Each brings equally valuable, albeit, different gifts to the world.

All Colors are neither good nor bad
No personality type is innately good or bad. Many people who do not know The Color Code may assume that all BLUES must be good and all REDS must be bad, for example. This couldn't be more false. The colors are neutral and individuals are free to choose how they will use their strengths and limitations to leave either a positive or a negative legacy in life.



Here were my results...



My breakdown was:

Blue: 55%

Yellow: 21%

Red: 18%

White: 6%

Congratulations, James, you are a BLUE personality. The Core Motivation that drives you through life is "Intimacy". It is important to note that this does not mean sexual intimacy. BLUES need connection - the sharing of rich, deep emotions that bind people together. As a BLUE, you will often sacrifice a great deal of time, effort, and/or personal convenience to develop and maintain meaningful relationships throughout your life.
BLUES seek opportunities to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated, especially by their partner. Everything you do as a BLUE has to be quality-based, or you won't do it at all. You are incredibly loyal to friends, employers, employees, and above all to your significant other. Whatever or whomever you commit to is your sole (and soul) focus. As a BLUE, you love to serve and will give freely of yourself in order to nurture the lives of others.

BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling of the four personalities, although they may not acknowledge (or even realize) the fact. Your code of ethics is remarkably strong and you expect others (not only your partner and those closest to you, but everyone) to live honest, committed lives as well. You enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation with your partner as well as remembering special life events (e.g. birthdays and anniversaries).

Why You're Hot
You Put Your Partner/Relationship First
People like to feel important, especially to their significant other, and you have the natural ability to make that happen. As a BLUE, you tend to be very selfless, and your first thought is always "how will this affect my partner?" You would be willing to sacrifice going out with friends or engaging in an activity that you enjoy on your own to do something less exciting with your significant other - not that they would necessarily ask you to - but just knowing you would is a great feeling.

You Make Events Magical
When planning something such as an anniversary dinner or a birthday party, you don't like to go through the same old routine that everyone else does. You have a flair for the creative and you seem to have a sense of how to create an ambiance by adding special touches that you know will be perfect for the occasion. For example, you might have personalized gifts or you might recreate something meaningful that happened previously in your relationship. You make ordinary things extra special, which is very endearing.

You Are Unbelievably Thoughtful
You Emanate Quality And Purpose In All That You Do
You Give Your Heart Wholly And Willingly
You Are A Rock - Stable And Dependable
Your Capacity For Emotional Depth Is Remarkable
You Are A Class Act


Why You're Not
You Tend To Blame Others For Your Unhappiness
As a BLUE, you hold high standards for yourself and tend to have unrealistic expectations of yourself, your partner, and how things "should be," so when things go wrong, you turn to others, such as your partner, as the source for your unhappiness. You might say to her, "if only you were more attentive / caring / interested / loving (you name it), this wouldn't have happened." This is obviously not a great way to maintain somebody's affection.

It's Hard For You To Relax (You Require A Purpose To Play)
BLUES tend to be overly guilt-prone, and so if you are doing things that are not purposeful by your standards, you probably feel guilty about it. Ergo, you tend to require a justifiable reason to just play and enjoy life - which usually defeats the purpose and makes it feel unnatural or forced to others in your life. Your tendency to be high-strung in this way can be alarming to a potential mate who is stuck wondering if you'll ever be able to calm down enough to enjoy a life together.

You Can Be Self-Righteous
You Tend To Be Moody
You Can Be Unforgiving
You Can Be Perfectionist To A Fault (Untrusting)
You Can Be Too Controlling
You May Give With Strings Attached


Your Needs
Now that you know how others see you as a potential partner, you should also know that there are certain things that you subconsciously need from your relationships in order to feel fulfilled and happy. These are your very own little hot buttons. When you find a partner who can push them for you, you may just fall head over heels.
You Need Your Partner To Understand You
As a BLUE, driven by Intimacy, you seek deep, personal connections with your partner. That doesn't just mean that you want to understand everything about them. You wouldn't feel that your relationship was complete unless she understood you completely either. You should look for a partner who can move beyond superficial conversation and is willing to understand every bit about what makes you you.

You Need To Feel Appreciated By Your Partner
You love to give openly and always go the extra mile to please your partner. All you desire in return is that she appreciate the effort that you make to do what you do. You will be happiest in finding someone who is comfortable and open in expressing that appreciation and who doesn't take your 110% effort for granted.

You Need To Be Good Morally
You Need General Acceptance

Your Wants
You Want Security
You like stability and security in your relationships and in life in general. You want a partner who communicates in word and deed that she is committed to you so that you always feel on stable ground in the relationship. You also want someone who will establish a solid (and safe) lifestyle with you and not force you to take high stakes risks, although, I would recommend that you be open-minded in this area, because some risks will really do wonders to enhance the quality of your life.

You Want Autonomy
It almost seems paradoxical, because while you do seek meaningful relationships in your life, and enjoy the company of others, you also enjoy your independence to do what you like to do. This is true for most BLUES because you spend so much time caring for others, connecting with them, and worrying about making things perfect, that you like to have your free time not to have to worry about those things.

You Want Quality In All Aspects Of Your Life
You Want To Reveal Insecurities




Top 5 BLUE Turn-Ons:
1. Being sincere and genuine
2. Appreciating and understanding them
3. Being thoughtful
4. Expressing interest in personal details
5. Behaving appropriately and being well mannered

Top 5 BLUE Turn-Offs:
1. Being non-committal
2. Becoming emotionally unavailable or dismissive
3. Demanding spontaneity
4. Promoting too much change
5. Abandoning them / Being disloyal




This has really given me a new understanding of myself. I welcome your comments or observations. I'm really excited about what I'm learning about myself!


Currently watching :
U2 - Zoo TV Live from Sydney (Limited Edition)
Release date: By 19 September,

Older and not yet dead...

Another year has passed by me,

and memories race through my head.

Time moves so much faster now,

but I'm older and not yet dead.



I have thrown out the twigs in my nest,

and laid snakes upon my own bed.

But His grace has now found me, unaware....

for i'm older and not yet dead.



The future unfolds before me,

and no longer is faced with dread.

A new life is now upon me,

Yes, I'm older and not yet dead.



One day I shall stand before Him,

and He will lift up my head.

Eternal life then will be mine....

When I'm younger and finally dead.

Christmas

Okay folks, Thanksgiving is behind us and now we are to my favorite (by far) time of year! Its Christmas! I LOVE Christmas - as you could tell from my previous blog - and this year in particular, I'm going to celebrate the birth of my Savior as though He were standing right in front of me (He is)! I have always loved Christmas. My earliest memory was on my third birthday - Dec.1 1975. I was leaning over our genuine vinyl ottoman in our shack in Jonesville, KY. The Christmas tree was there. I remember that Christmas and just about every one since with crystal clear, detailed memory. I love everything about Christmas. The lights, snow (*cough* Texas), festivity, carols, happiness, the ever-earlier commercial exploitation, the television specials, movies, etc.... I love the traditions of my family, the tree, ornament decoration, FOOD, etc.... I love the religious significance and the secular adaptations. There is just NOTHING about this holiday I don't like....

....Except perhaps the annual hand-wringing by well-meaning religious folks over how the popular culture is trying to take Christ out of the holiday, and the back-breaking overreaching effort that the major media and retailers seem to make to avoid offending anyone! Both sides just frustrate the living daylights out of me! STOP IT NOW! Christians - celebrate the birth of Christ without being so upset that athiests and agnostics prefer not to! The rest of you, don't look like you are passing a golf-ball sized kidney stone when someone wishes you a Merry Christmas! I am NEVER going to say "Happy Holidays". Its just that simple. This is Christmas time. If I KNOW that you are Jewish - I will wish you a happy Hannakah, but I'm not going to go through the rest of the holidays that people in various forms celebrate, nor am I going to offer up a generic happy holiday season to those of you who have nothing to celebrate other than a day off work and a chance to either cash in on or pay out to the god of crass commercialism.

I personally do not care if city hall has Jesus or Santa up. I do not care if NBC doesn't say Merry Christmas...But conversely, I don't want you to get all worked up when I do. Cuz I'm gonna.

Ok, off the soapbox now... I am particularly excited this year because last year I was in the middle of watching my life and family implode. Last Christmas Eve was perhaps the darkest day of my life. I didn't do the usual decorations and over-the-top light show that I am known for. It just didn't feel like Christmas and I didn't feel like celebrating. This year, I'm gonna make sure my kids know that Christmas is ON. Their lives have been hard enough this year, and I want to provide for them a sense of normalcy in the midst of the mess. This, folks, is gonna be a great Christmas.

Besides all of that - remember why we do this. Jesus Christ - the Son of the Most High God - made Himself man to live among us, and to be the perfect sacrifice for our sins on the cross. God with us...Emmanuel.... He was born in a trough for livestock! The King of Kings! How amazing. I will not forget this year. In the midst of the busyness and the tradition that we have created, don't forget what ultimately this is all about. This little baby, born in a barn, is the one who came to save us. Give Him your praise and your life this year. As you enjoy the things that make Christmas, well, Christmas to you and your family - take a moment to worship Him!

Thank you, Jesus! Happy Birthday.


Currently listening :
Christmas Album
By Nat King Cole
Release date: By 23 October, 1997

Holiday Survey - Originally posted Nov.18, 2006

Ok...Surveys are usually lame - but folks, I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! I cannot begin to overstate how nuts I am about this holiday. The traditions and memories I have of Christmas are the most precious in my life. So after my friend Jaime Nunn posted this as a bulletin, I reposted it - and since I love Christmas as much as I do, I decided to leave it up as a blog - so here goes...

Holiday Survey...you know the drill. Don't be a scrooge!!!

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate? Just give me the bottle of Rum!!! HAHA!

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?? Is this a serious question???

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?? White. and Lots of it....

4. Do you hang mistletoe?? never have, but now that i'm single, I'm gonna do my best to wind up under as much of it as I can.... Ladies?????

5. When do you put your decorations up?? Between Thanksgiving and my birthday (Dec 1)

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)??
TUUUUURRkey, turkey turkey turkey.....

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child:?
Duh!!! The Christmas Eve anticipation!

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa??
Local Second Grade Mean Girl Celeste from Hale Center, TX. I was crushed. I bet Santa never brought her another thing!

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?? The very idea!!!! NO!!!!!

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?? With ornaments my kids have made.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?? In Texas??!! Get real.

12. Can you ice skate?? Badly

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?? Six Flags Season Passes in seventh grade!

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you?? Family, and passing on my love of Christmas to my sons.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?? Now: Pumpkin Pie
Then: Bird Terd Pie

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition??

You name it. I love them all. Christmas is by far the most amazing, magical season of the year. But my favorite is decorating. Extreme decorating. With many, many thousands of white lights - tasteful of course, and completely symmetrical, equidistant, and in perfectly straight lines. I'm a bit of a light freak.


17. What tops your tree?? nuttin.

18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving?? giving

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?? Oh Come Emmanuel and Oh Holy Night (Same as Jaime)

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?? Not really my thing. I'll eat it once the pie is gone ;)

Settled - Originally posted November 17, 2006

Ok folks. Thanks so very much for your prayers for me and for my family. Joy and I have settled our divorce and it should be final before the end of the month. I cannot overstate how completely relieved I am to finally have this chapter behind me. It is, of course, bittersweet....but I can now put this in my rear view mirror and focus on my kids and on my new life. Many thanks to my attorney, Kyle Basinger, and his assistant, Cristi Wilson-Fager at Collins and Basinger, PC in Dallas, TX. They facilitated a fair process that took into account the best interests of my kids and of my ability to continue to provide for them and be active in their lives. They did so in a way that was fair to Joy. I wish her all the best as she begins the process of continuing her education. I will always love her and respect her as the mother of my four precious boys. I am sorry for the many things that I have done over the course of our marriage that made it impossible for her to continue to be married to me.

This being the case, I know that there may be some hard moments in the next few weeks as the finality of it all hits me. Please continue to pray for me and for my family as we begin the first holiday season as a broken family.

I cannot tell you all how much your love and support has meant to me this past year. God bless you all.

What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me?

Why can't I be loved?

How is it I give of myself, only to be pushed away?

Is it that what I give isn't good enough?

Is it that I don't give enough?

Is it that I give too much?

Is it that what I give is damaging?

For whatever reason, I cannot be loved.

Or is it that I cannot love?

I am good for a season, but not forever.

The season is always too short-lived.

I want forever.

Yet I am pushed away.

What is wrong with me?

Ocean. Originally posted October 25, 2006

I'm spending the week in Los Angeles - If you've never been to LA in the fall, I recommend it. I spent many weeks here over the past two summers, and really hated it. Too much traffic - too much noise - WAY too much smog. It's like there are SUPPOSED to be mountains here, right? I can't SEE them, or anything else more than a mile away. The beach is nice always, but I had to spend most of my time in the city. However, this trip there is no smog! I could see the city flying in - which is a first. Downtown was beautiful, and you could even read the Hollywood sign! I've never seen anything of LA from the plane, so I knew it would be different. Tomorrow, I'll drive down from Malibu on the Pacific Coast Highway to Santa Monica before I have to go back to the 405 nightmare. I cannot wait, and I wish I had a camera! I LOVE the Pacific....Something about the angry waves crashing into the shore just hits me. I love the majesty of it all. Something as soft as a drop of water becomes the most fierce power on earth when accumulated into a mass. the crashing waves barely give you any insight at all into the true power of the ocean.

The last time I was here, I got to swim in the Pacific for the first time. What an amazing feeling it is! The power of the wave crashing on top of you combined with the power of the previous wave crashing under you back into the ocean is like no other feeling I've known. You get the sense that its toying with you. Kinda like - Hey - heres a little taste. But don't get me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry ;)

Feeling that kind of power wash over you reminds you of your mortality. Your finite existence. The ocean could take your life in an instant. If not the water, then the inhabitants thereof... Its a helpless feeling, too. I am an exceptional swimmer, but I know that my striving against the currents would be in vain if the ocean decided to come at me.

That kind of helplessness is liberating! To put yourself into that kind of vulnerability is a rush! It has me thinking...There is no accident that God's love is compared to an ocean. It washes over us in such a way that we are forced to respond to it. It is vast - fiercely powerful - deep - mysterious - life-giving. His grace is the same. When we step into it through surrender, we give ourselves over to a power that is incalculable. We don't know where we'll end up. It may not be the journey we planned. But it is liberating to let it wash over you.

Unlike the ocean, however - God's love does not toy with us - It only beckons us to swim out further. Safe? Depends on your definition! Dangerous? Absolutely. Protected? Completely.

How deep is His love? unfathomable.

My friend Alan has been walking with me now for over two decades. He knows me completely, and has seen the ins and outs, ups and downs. He has watched me struggle with Gods love for me and His all-sufficient grace. He told me earlier this year that he felt this would be the year my eyes would be opened. AND HOW! It's finally gone from my head to my heart. It is washing over me like the ocean. I look forward to writing more about this journey. I want to step back through some of the last ten years in the coming posts... I hope that everyone who reads these blogs can begin to understand a Jesus Christ who comes to save instead of judge.

Wake up Christians - We are not showing the world who Jesus really is. He was accused of being a drunk and a womanizer because he drank wine and hung with prostitutes. He didn't hang with the religious jet-set. He offended the religious elite. They needed saving just as bad as the adulterers and thieves, but the broken KNEW that they needed a savior. The elite knew they didn't. Which are we more like? Have we become dead like those religious leaders, the Pharisees? Folks - I have been bound up in judgement and fear my entire life. It has kept me blinded to the reality of the love of God. I have tried in vain to "be" a perfect Christian, instead of letting Him make me into His image.

I want to be the kind of Christian that urges others to swim out deeper into the ocean of His love with me. Not the kind that tries to drown friends in shallow water. I've been hanging out in that shallow water all of my life - being pushed under by religious bullies...Now I'm ready to swim...Safe? Depends on your definition. Dangerous? Absolutely. Protected? Completely.

Up Too Late. Originally Posted October 22, 2006

Ok, so what do you do when you cannot sleep? I'm gonna write, and see if by boring all of you, I can bore myself to sleep. What am I gonna write about? I have no idea! Thats the fun part!

Today was very interesting. It started with my son Will discovering a Sharpie marker early in the morning before anyone was awake. Now I've pretty much learned something new every week he's here. I've learned to remove the key from the deadbolt, and to put everything, and I mean EVERYTHING away. But for some reason, I managed to overlook this Sharpie marker. Maybe because it was in a box. the BOTTOM of a box that had come out of my truck when I was cleaning it out. Nothing else in the box was disturbed. Just the Sharpie. It somehow managed to make its way from the bottom to the 22 month-old's curious fingers without so much as jostling any other contents of the box. I mean Kathy Bates wouldn't have even noticed the penguin facing the wrong way. This kid is sneaky, smart, and quiet.

So he now has the marker in his hands, sans cap. The first thing he colors was a group of my socks closeby. No biggie. I had a friend give me a new washer and dryer, since my washer doesn't work, and my ex-wife is getting the dryer. I can clean up the socks. But then he proceeds to write on the parquet floors. Granted, since I had a flood recently, the floor was already kaput, and likely will be replaced by insurance. Next, he decided to mimic Dad and tattoo himself. Completely. Head to toe spiderwebs of Sharpie marker. AND poop. Lots of poop. Have you discovered a recurring theme here? This kid likes to poop. His poor momma has had to endure years and years of poop without much help from dad. (Notice I'm divorced! LOL!) Now its my turn to get a small taste of the wonderful world of the toddler. I need a xanax. Bad!

So anyway, that brings me to another fun thing that the kids Mom is gonna love. When Joe saw Daddy's new tattoo, his eyes got as big as saucers, and he said oh so dramatically, DAD........I WANT..........A TATTOO........LIKE THAT! ITS SO BIG.......IT MIGHT LAST A WHOLE DAY! So that should be an interesting conversation, yes?

Folks, I love my kids. I have discovered, along with so many other things about myself that I didn't know, that I love being a dad. I have a blast when they are with me. I miss them when they are not. We have fun together. Of course, Dad is still the heavy, but its different now. We play together, watch TV together, go to the museum together, go outside together, go to church together....on and on it goes. I never spent this much time with them before. My loss. Ethan and Joe didn't have the benefit of an attentive Dad when they were little, the way that Isaac and Will now have. Luckily, we have a good relationship. Sometimes its still hard, and there is damage to our relationship that still needs to be repaired, but its been a very good few months for the boys and I.

Ethan's face lit up today when he asked when If I was gonna move away, and I told him that I would NEVER move far away from him and his brothers until after they were all out of school. His face dropped a little when he asked if we could move again if we became a family again with Mommy AND Daddy, and I had to tell him again that wasn't going to happen. But Mommy and Daddy are doing well, and I trust that God is going to redeem this trauma in these boys. Ethan is already asking if Mommy and Daddy will marry other people. That's a hard question to field. But I did get to tell him how important he and his brothers are to me. He asked what about if I got a really good job playing music. It was really awesome to be able to tell him that they are and will always be the most important thing in my life, even more important than music or money. So many times we say this and don't follow through.

Like for instance when we worship at church. American Christians don't tell lies in church - we sing them. I surrender all. You are the Reason. I Give you My Life. Its All About You. on and on. God is the most important thing in our lives, as long as there isn't something more important! How we spend our money and time usually tells a different story. It sure does for me.

As far as my boys, I've always SAID they were important. But how I spent my money and time said something else. Now when I write that GIANT child support check every two weeks that has brought about financial ruin, I smile. I LOVE to write that check. It provides for me the greatest joy and freedom ever. I know that I am giving to my boys. AND I know that nothing else matters. My creditors aren't really very happy with me, but I dont care! They are SO not important. My boys are. My credit rating is nothing. They are everything.

Sorry for the rambling nature of this one - I know its poor writing and somewhat stream-of-consciousness. I'm not gonna proof-read it either. Its 2:30 am - and I'm going to try now to sleep. This is about as good as it gets this time of the morning! Thanks for reading!

My First Attempt At Poetry. Originally Posted October 16, 2006

Give me your heart, she said,
And I will love you.
I will protect your heart, she said,
And I will honor you.

Let me hear your heart, she said,
And I will sing along with you.
Let me see your heart, she said,
And I will cherish you.

I will abandon your heart, she said not,
Until it was too late.
I will crush your heart, she said not,
Until her heel was upon it.

Phoenix. Originally Posted October 13, 2006

Ok. Whats the last thing you'd think about when you think of James Putnam. Or any Putnam, for that matter? Well besides the obvious drug dealer and pro-athlete answer! Giant Tattoo would certainly be on the list! So this blog is a means of explaination for the new piece of artwork on my back, which you can see below. There are more pictures in my "more pictures section..."

Wikipedia has the following article to describe the Phoenix:
In ancient Egyptian mythology and in myths derived from it, the phoenix or phœnix is a mythical sacred firebird.
Said to live for 500 or 1461 years (depending on the source), the phoenix is a bird with beautiful gold and red plumage. At the end of its life-cycle the phoenix builds itself a nest of cinnamon twigs that it then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix arises. The new phoenix embalms the ashes of the old phoenix in an egg made of myrrh and deposits it in the Egyptian city of Heliopolis ("the city of the sun" in Greek). The bird was also said to regenerate when hurt or wounded by a foe, thus being almost immortal and invincible — a symbol of fire and divinity.
Although descriptions (and life-span) vary, the phoenix (Bennu bird) became popular in early Christian art, literature and Christian symbolism, as a symbol of Christ, and further, represented the resurrection, immortality, and the life-after-death of Jesus Christ.

I have been reborn, folks. I am alive again, up from the ashes. My life has been consumed in the fire, and is now new and young again. I feel like a kid again! I have renewed energy, happiness, and purpose! Jesus Christ has made me new. I have freedom from the rejection and fear that has kept me bound. Yes, there are days that are still hard, and I still struggle with these things, but the freedom is real! The struggle is temporary, and is replaced by victory! James Robison spoke at Gateway a few months back and said something that really has stuck with me. He said that when Jesus sets us free, he sets us free TO the battle, not FROM it. And He gives us the weapons with which to WIN!

So guess what, folks? I have new weapons! Jesus has taken me and has shown me true death. But He has also brought me new life. The old has passed away. That doesn't mean that I don't struggle, It means that when I struggle, I have an ally.

He is restoring what was taken from me. What is incredible about that is that I let much of it be taken by my own actions and irresponsibility! How infininite is His grace! How never-ending is His love! That which I squandered, He has restored!

I needed to make a stand - A stake in the ground, so to speak, to be an ever-present reminder of new life. It may strike some of you as odd - Lord knows my mother about lost it! But the tattoo is just that for me: A declaration of independence from the past, from the pain, and from the fear that has kept me bound. I no longer worry about the things others think of me, at least as the source of my approval. I have the approval of my Father in Heaven, and He accepts me unconditionally!

So this is my stand. This is my stake in the ground. Yesterday, October 12, 2006, is my day of birth. I am the Phoenix, up from the ashes. My new life has begun.

Gateway Worship. Originally posted October 10, 2006

I have just received some exciting news! As many of you know, I have been in a dry season as far as playing. That has been very difficult for me, because playing bass is my passion! Since my friends Barry and Michelle Patterson loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly - I mean Colorado - I haven't played much. I had the honor of playing for what I now consider my home church in McGregor, TX (www.fumcmcgregor.com) for about a year and a half, but there was no drummer, so I missed the full-band. I enjoyed the intimacy of that congregation, though. I grew as a player there, too, because I had to be responsible for the rhythm without the aid of the drummer. Props to my myspace friends Kyle Paschall and Steve Heyduck, the worship leader and pastor, respectively, of that wonderful family down there.

The past year and a half I've had the chance to play a handful of times when either I would go to Colorado, or the Patterson's came to Ft. Worth, but outside of that? Nada. In a very significant way, it has been a good thing. Since I have played bass at worship almost weekly for over 15 years, I have never learned to be comfortable without a bass in my hand in worship. I have learned how to worship with my voice from within the congregation, which has been a wonderful experience! Also, with the events of the past eighteen months of my life causing so much personal anguish and brokenness, it didn't seem appropriate to be leading worship. Yet, I have longed to play again.

I felt a release about two months ago after a conversation with my friend (The Right Reverend) Brad Jackson. He told me, "James, regardless of your personal issues, you need to be among the fellowship of other musicians. We all have issues in our lives, but we still do what we do everyday. You are a player, and you need to be playing." I prayed about this for a few weeks, and decided that the time was right to audition to play for my church (www.gatewaypeople.com) and leave it in the Lord's hands. Right before the audition, my brother Timothy and my wonderful new sister-in-law Kristin prayed for me, and I felt the Holy Spirit in the room. The audition went very well. I had given it my best, and was at total peace. If they wanted me to be involved, I was willing. If they didn't? I was just fine to continue to worship the Lord from within the congregation. I've really come to enjoy it!

This morning, I received an email that stated I had been accepted into Gateway worship (www.gatewayworship.com) and would begin instrumentalist training THIS THURSDAY! It will continue until the end of the year. I am SO excited to begin this journey with talented musicians and singers that I respect so much. I am thrilled to be able to play regularly again, and to grow as a player. For the first time in my career, I will be held accountable for practice time. They will be assigning reading, classes, and other things to help me grow as a player, a person, and as a worshipper. I have never had this kind of support, and I cannot wait to begin!

Boomerang. Originally posted October 8, 2006

My son, Joseph got a prize today at church: a toy boomerang. When he got home, he had a blast throwing it and watching it turn and come back toward him. How many things in life have I thrown away and wished would come back? Conversely, how many things have I thrown away and wished to never see again, only to watch the familiar turn as it found its way toward me once again?

Let me start with the disclaimer that I have been on anti-depressants for some time now, and I missed a dose this morning. I took it late, and it may have nothing to do with my current mood, but I have been a bit out of sorts today. That being said, I'll begin:

I was talking with a friend last night about some pretty heavy issues in her life, and it came to me: I have only just recently fully understood the life-changing power that Jesus Christ brings to us. I could beat anyone anywhere at Bible Bowl - (for the uninitiated, its a Bible trivia game that was kinda big in Methodist circles in the 1980's) But that knowledge has been a double-edged sword for me. I knew all of the right answers. But I did not know Jesus. Not really. I would worship Him, and even played for many, many worship teams over the years, without a full understanding of who He was. In the weeks since my discovery weekend, I have come to a realization: This is sticking. I am a different person. He healed me there of so much pain and bondage dating back to my childhood. In fact, I was poised to write a blog on freedom. Freedom from bondage. Freedom from fear. Freedom to live as I was created to live. That blog will have to wait, because today it hit me: I am petrified.

I am afraid of rejection and of pain. Still. In spite of all of the great things that are happening in me, I remain fearful. I have been working hard to dismantle the walls that have left me somewhat protected, but also completely isolated. My life may appear to be a wreck to you, but in the words of a great song I heard yesterday, "There is beauty in the breakdown". My breakdown has indeed been a thing of beauty. I like me. Finally. The healing work in me has been on many levels, and has been nearly comprehensive. The only thing that remains to be dealt with is this fear. Now that I've tasted this elation, I am scared to death to lose it. I don't ever want to live in dispair again.

I don't understand why anyone wants to know whats behind my wall anyway. It's my treasure - and yes its valuable, but why does anyone else want it? I have protected it for so long, and now I find it exposed. The problem is, what if someone doesn't see the value in my treasure that I do? Or worse yet, sees its value and tramples it, or steals it? I have nearly finished dismantling this wall, and now I find that I'm afraid again of the pain. I felt that agony many, many times. I can't feel it again. And yet, as I shared in a previous blog - sharing that part of me with another is my greatest need. Sharing it, and finding unconditional love and acceptance, instead of the rejection and pain I've known thus far. I so long for that kind of love and acceptance. But then there's the risk. The risk of unspeakable pain.

I've found that there are many who want to find their way behind my wall. I've also found that I have a difficult time trusting. Maybe the wall is a good thing? At least in some form? Help me here, folks... Can't some fear be good? Isn't there an innate sense of fear when we get too close to a hot stove, or a sheer cliff? Danger ahead? Pain ahead? Death ahead? If I let down the wall, and expose myself to that risk knowing the potential for pain, don't I deserve the pain when it comes? Trusting someone with that is hard for me to do. How do you trust again when you've been beaten down over and over again? When your treasure has been scorned, why do you show it to another? How can you show it to another? I've gotten close to shattering this wall for some. I don't think I can do it though. Not yet. Time to rebuild? I don't know. I need your help and prayers. This is a "friends only" blog - so I trust that all of you love me and lift me up. I need your prayers today. I don't want to walk backwards into fear. But I don't want to ever feel that kind of pain again.

By the way - Don't ever miss a dose of anti-depressant! ;)
Sorry to rant...

Less than perfect credit? No Problem!!! Originally posted October 5, 2006

Ok, so my friend Brian Hobson has taken me to the woodshed regarding my lack of new blog material. Now I feel compelled to write, but as I begin this sentence, there is absolutely nothing in my mind that I am compelled to write about. The good thing is that most of my blogs start this way. I have discovered writing as a hobby recently. It has become my method of dealing with all of the thoughts that otherwise run rampant in my head. It has also become the way that God speaks to me. Most of what I have posted in the way of insight has just come to me as I write it down. So, with props to my friend Bryan, and also to my friend Jess who sparked the desire to write in the first place, I begin a new blog with no subject in mind.

One of the really cool parts of a divorce with four kids is that you become financially destitute overnight! I get anywhere from 30-50 calls a day from bill collectors, and I ignore them all. What can I say to them? "Uh, ya - I know I said I'd pay you, but I lied." Or...."Well, I have two choices: Pay you, or pay her. The court says pay her, and if I don't, I go to jail! - If I don't pay you, you get really ugly and call me over and over. So ya, I'll just send YOU the money and go to JAIL! Just PLEASE don't call and talk ugly to me - - PLEASE!!!???" So, instead, I just ignore the calls! Here is another fine example of letting go of the things the world says we should strive for. I have tried for so long to keep a perfect credit rating. Why do I need it? For more credit, of course!

There is something liberating in having no control over how things turn out. I don't get stressed about the bill collectors. Why? I can't do anything about it! What would be the point? I can't pay them, and I can't keep them from calling! The only frustrating thing is that my DSL line keeps resetting every time the phone rings! I suppose I could fix that with a call to AT&T, but I've had other things on my plate.

The fact is, I'm going to be forced to live as I should live anyway. On Cash. I've always struggled with buying on impulse, and I've had that golden perfect credit rating that makes it oh so easy to buy things I don't need, or really want. What is really important? Now I'll find out! I get to learn now to really budget what I have, what I need, and what's left over. If I have the money, I can buy it. If I don't......well I can't! Simple! Liberating!

Or do I just need to find some rich friends.......

Grow Up!!! Originally Posted September 28, 2006

Grow Up! I've been guilty of using these words when talking to my kids. Why? Why is it that I have a hard time accepting childishness from a child? It seems I want to rush maturity. I've used them when referring to my ex-wife. I've used them internally to myself. Let me back up and give you some background...

I was a fairly happy child. A little sensitive, but happy and content. We were well below the poverty line, and I never saw my dad, but for the most part, I was happy. I had a gentle spirit and had deep concern for those around me. All through my early childhood, and into early elementary school, I was very well-liked by my peers. Then one summer, something changed.
I have never been open about this except to a very select few close friends, and so this is kinda weird to me, but I need to share this. Mom and Dad were going to camp, and for whatever reason, that year the kids didn't go. They had to find a last-minute babysitter for me, and I ended up in the home of a favorite sunday school teacher. She lived out on a farm, and would let me work the steering wheel out in the pastures. She also always had apple butter for her PB&J, and i LOVED apple butter - so I was happy about this arrangement. I somehow didn't know she had a teenaged son, but this week, I was staying in his room, and he befriended me. I was excited to have the approval of a teenager!

Then one night, I was lying there and he decided it would be a good idea to molest the seven year old boy sharing his room. I won't go into the details, but the pictures in my head are as vivid as the night it happened. My emotional development was stopped dead in its tracks.
Everything changed after this. I was suddenly desperate for attention. I would take criticism VERY hard, and would overcompensate for my perceived deficiency. I went from being well-liked to being widely disliked. Which of course, fed the need to do even more to try to gain acceptance. It never came. The rejection of those years stung hard.

In addition, the following year, my dad was gone even more. He had up to this point been gone quite a bit. First, he was in seminary while pastoring two churches full time a full 80 miles away from school. You can guess how much I saw him then. Next, he was a full-time pastor for a few years, and I remember vividly seeing my dad whenever I would venture over to the church office. I don't remember seeing him at home much. But that year, Dad went into full-time evangelism, and was on the road almost non-stop. Its not like he didn't try to be there for us when he was home. He would take us out for special time with just one of us and him from time to time when he was in town. But this would continue for me until high school. I was the school geek, dad was gone, and mom was alone with three boys. I got to understand rejection very, very well. My emotional development continued to stay completely frozen.

As I went into high school, mom and dad saw that not having dad around was a problem for us children, so they began to home-school us. While this was great for seeing dad, it opened some new problems for me. First of all, I was getting ready for high-school, and was coming into my own. I had learned to deal with the rejection by putting on a facade. An icy-cold exterior. An impregnable fortress around my formerly tender heart and spirit. So I wanted to enjoy some social activity with my peers for the first time in years. Again, I felt rejection. Second, having dad around for the first time in my life created the issue of familiarity. I didn't know him much at all, and now here he is asserting himself into my family. What nerve! He was not the distant disciplinarian or occasional fun guy who came home to take us on special daddy time any longer - He went from omnipotent to omnipresent, and while I loved my dad, I didn't know him or understand what right he had to upset my apple cart in this manner. He was now the muscle that mom had needed all these years, but I felt nothing but harshness from him. I lost my friend and gained a bully. I already HAD one disciplinarian. I didn't need another. Again, I was stung by rejection.

As an adult, the result of much of this is that my emotions have been somewhat disjointed. I could still feel emotion, and feel strong emotion, but I had no idea how to process it, especially when the fear of rejection would rear its ugly head. It caused me to hide, obfuscate, or even outright lie to avoid being rejected. My emotions would be like a roller coaster. I was unable to process them regularly, so I woul just supress them until I felt so strongly that they could no longer be controlled. Rather than feel emotion as it would happen I would instead get VERY depressed, or VERY angry, or VERY happy once I could no longer contain it.

Who would have thought that divorce would be such a catalyst for healing? Such intense rejection should have continued the pattern, right? Instead, I have felt the Father's love pour over me. The changes I was referring to in yesterday's blog have a lot to do with this - I am opening myself up again to that tender seven year old boy. James Putnam would NEVER be this open. In the next few hours, the number of people who know about my past will increase more than tenfold, but I think that this is part of the healing, as well. The damage that did to me is far deeper than what I've been able to spell out in this blog, but the basic premise is the same.
I made myself grow up. I forced a persona onto myself that wasn't fully me. I missed out on being a child. I have tried to force others around me to do the same. Father forgive me! Jesus make me whole! Bring out that light in my eyes that I had as a child! I want to be everything you have created me to be - I want to feel everything you created me to feel! I want to help my boys grow up in the proper timeline as fully whole individuals so that they can be MEN. Not boys in a mans body, as I have been. Father, make me into your image!
There may be more on this in coming days, I don't know. Thanks for reading.

Twitterpation. Originally Posted September 27, 2006

Ok. Love. What a subject. What is it? I know the definition that you get from movies and TV, and I know the definition you get from 1 Corinthians. But beyond the hyperbole, what is love? To me?

I held my infant niece again today, and she is nothing short of miraculous. I felt her respond to every move I made as I held her close. I spoke softly to her, and listened to her breath and her baby coos... Wow. She listened to me speak to her (I speak baby, in case you were wondering) and she gave me several smiles as I spoke. Now I know that all of you, especially those of you who have studied child development, will tell me that an infant smile is nothing more than a reaction to stimuli. Just a muscle contraction. Nonsense! I felt love immeasurable today.

I have wondered today whether I could ever really love again, or allow myself to be loved. After giving so much of myself to another and coming up empty in the end, its hard to fathom. The openness required to truly love someone with my entire self creates so much fear in me, because I dread rejection. At the same time, being able to pour myself out in that manner is my greatest need! How do you reconcile that?

In addition, I have changed so much in the last six months that I hardly recognize myself. I'm not saying that the character flaws that contributed to the breakup of my marriage are fully resolved, but rather that there are parts of me that have been dormant since I was a young child that are now resurfacing. I am rediscovering who I am, and I like it, but I'm unsure of so much!

So what of love? Well, I have come to the place in the last week where the love of a woman isn't necessary to my self-worth. It would be nice to be able to share myself again, because this is such a great adventure! But I don't NEED it in some co-dependant way. I think that in the past I have. I have come to the realization that my worth is in the Father's love! He already knows me intimately and loves me completely. He knows my flaws, my scars, my wounds, and my character, and I am priceless to Him.

I don't have it all together. I'm sure I never will. I'm just a man doing his best. But I am walking with my head held high because of grace. My failures and sins are not my identity. My family is not my identity. My name is not my identity.

My identity is this: James Wesley Putnam - Child of God. Loved by God. Esteemed by Him.
When you see yourself as dirty and crippled, and then have your eyes opened to that truth, EVERYTHING changes. I am loved by the Master of everything. No woman could ever fill that space. When He is ready for me to share my soul with a woman again, I will be thrilled! Until that time, I will bask in HIS love and let Him show me who I am.

Ok. Love. What a subject. What is it? I know the definition that you get from movies and TV, and I know the definition you get from 1 Corinthians. But beyond the hyperbole, what is love? To me?
I held my infant niece again today, and she is nothing short of miraculous. I felt her respond to every move I made as I held her close. I spoke softly to her, and listened to her breath and her baby coos... Wow. She listened to me speak to her (I speak baby, in case you were wondering) and she gave me several smiles as I spoke. Now I know that all of you, especially those of you who have studied child development, will tell me that an infant smile is nothing more than a reaction to stimuli. Just a muscle contraction. Nonsense! I felt love immeasurable today.
I have wondered today whether I could ever really love again, or allow myself to be loved. After giving so much of myself to another and coming up empty in the end, its hard to fathom. The openness required to truly love someone with my entire self creates so much fear in me, because I dread rejection. At the same time, being able to pour myself out in that manner is my greatest need! How do you reconcile that?
In addition, I have changed so much in the last six months that I hardly recognize myself. I'm not saying that the character flaws that contributed to the breakup of my marriage are fully resolved, but rather that there are parts of me that have been dormant since I was a young child that are now resurfacing. I am rediscovering who I am, and I like it, but I'm unsure of so much!
So what of love? Well, I have come to the place in the last week where the love of a woman isn't necessary to my self-worth. It would be nice to be able to share myself again, because this is such a great adventure! But I don't NEED it in some co-dependant way. I think that in the past I have. I have come to the realization that my worth is in the Father's love! He already knows me intimately and loves me completely. He knows my flaws, my scars, my wounds, and my character, and I am priceless to Him.
I don't have it all together. I'm sure I never will. I'm just a man doing his best. But I am walking with my head held high because of grace. My failures and sins are not my identity. My family is not my identity. My name is not my identity.
My identity is this: James Wesley Putnam - Child of God. Loved by God. Esteemed by Him.
When you see yourself as dirty and crippled, and then have your eyes opened to that truth, EVERYTHING changes. I am loved by the Master of everything. No woman could ever fill that space. When He is ready for me to share my soul with a woman again, I will be thrilled! Until that time, I will bask in HIS love and let Him show me who I am.

Discovery Weekend. Originally Posted September 24, 2006

I don't really know what I'm going to write here, only that I need to write. It has been a long weekend, and I didn't get much sleep, so I hope this is somewhat lucid. My close friend Jerry Christensen has been asking me for about 5 years to attend a men's Discovery weekend that he is involved in. I've always said that I'd love to go and left it at that. This year, however, Jerry didn't give me much of a choice! He knows the situation in my life better than most, and knew I would benefit from some time away with other Christian men. He asked me to go again this year, and followed it up with a registration form he just happened to have handy. He then handed me a pen, said "sign here" and "I'll wait" like only a seasoned car salesman can do! I've bought six vehicles from Jerry, so I knew the drill! By the way, if any of you ever need a car, PLEASE do yourself a favor and go see Jerry at 5 Star Ford in North Richland Hills. He has always done right by me, and is a fantastic person, to boot! I am always happy that he gets the commission when I buy a car. Anyway, I digress...

I have had mixed emotions in the weeks leading up to the retreat. I grow very tired of perceived religious "mountaintop" experiences, as they tend to focus on emotional manipulation. Not intentionally, mind you, but the nature of such events is to tug on the heartstrings somewhat. Since I grew up as an evangelist's kid, and went from Methodist, to charasmatic Methodist, to Non-denominational, I have seen most everything. As a result, I have grown cynical. Having been in the post-high valleys that inevitably follow the "mountaintop", I have become jaded. Needless to say, given the events of the last year, I was at once anxious for something from the Lord, and skeptical that anything could make one tiny bit of difference in my life. I really didn't want to go, but I had been given a scholarship and felt obligated. In addition, I knew that Jerry really wanted me to go and it had meant a lot to him.

So I arrived Friday at the parking lot, and discovered that I knew no one besides Jerry and an old acquantance who was also in leadership. I sat by myself for what seemed an eternity, got on the bus and again sat alone, and rode to Mt. Lebanon in Cedar Hill. I won't give away any of the details of the weekend because it is full of surprises and I don't want to ruin it for anyone who may go later, but by mid-day Saturday, I felt the cynicism rise up in me. We had just finished listening to a testimony about a man whose marriage was saved from disaster after having been through far worse storms than the ones that sank mine. I started to grow bitter on top of my cynicism. Lunch was next, so I went to the room and put in earplugs and slept through most of lunch. I woke up in time to grab a quick burger and go back for more sessions. Again, more of the same. I was not able to enter into the discussion with an open heart or mind. I was just bitter and wished I wasn't wasting my weekend on this. There were people I'd rather have been with than this bunch of strangers preaching at me. Then something happened.

Some of you who are reading this know exactly what happened since you were involved, but again, I'm not going to discuss it here because its a major surprise for others who may go. I did want to say thanks to all of you who know what I'm talking about. When this happened, my heart was melted. God found an opening into my heart of stone and started to chisel the walls away. The rest of the evening, God showed me more of who I am, both good and bad. I saw more of the father in me that needs cultivating, and more of the father in me that needs to be cut off. I saw more mistakes I made in my marriage, and began to deal with these character flaws so that I won't repeat them. I saw people I need to forgive and events I need to finally settle in my spirit. I felt the weight of oppressive chains fall off my wrists, back, and ankles, and was able to worship again for the first time in many months.

I stayed late Saturday night determined to find God. I've seen too much in my life to ever not believe. He has shown Himself faithful time and again, and I cannot deny the things that can only be explained by a loving God who knows my name. But I've also seen piles of bullshit. Large, decaying, smelly piles of it. I've had a very hard time discerning the real from the bullshit. Now, mind you, I have a pretty good BS detector, but when you seek freedom over and over again and find nothing but continued bondage, eventually you start to doubt that freedom really exists. When you beg God to prove Himself real and to show you a faith that exists outside of the parameters of my father's faith, or the organized church, or the religious right, and find more and more of the same, you eventually start to doubt. It's human nature. The Bible says if you seek God, you will find Him. I know that He isn't hiding from me, but I've been looking for my entire life, only to find parts of the truth. I asked Him on Saturday night why He's so hard to find! I didn't get an answer, but I'm not giving up this time. I can't. He IS real - He's proven Himself - but what is real and what is bullshit? I'm tired of the stench. At the same time, I'm not the arbitor of this in the end. I'm not so arrogant as to assert that truth depends on my opinion of it. I just want to know what the truth is. I started down that journey this weekend. I appreciate your prayers as I walk the road.

On another note, whenever I post a blog, I generally have more than 100 people read it within the first 48 hours. However, I only have 7 people that have subscribed to my blog. Who are you fine people? If you take the time to read this far, please take a second to either leave a comment, send me an email, or even subscribe to the blog. I'd love to know who you all are, since I'm pouring myself out here for your perusal! Thanks!

Fragile, Part III : Who moved my cheese? Originally Posted September 13, 2006

I've spent my entire life seeking pretty much one goal: the ideal family. As an evangelical Christian, this is what I've been told to strive for, and for good reason! Its what we were created for! We aren't made for divorce. Our children aren't made to grow up in a broken home. The reason we shoot for it is that it is how we find fulfillment! I wanted so much to find the woman of my dreams, have children, enjoy a fulfilling career, stay madly in love, raise my children to know and love the Lord, and watch them have successful families of their own. This has been the goal. I will not reach it.

My dad told me something a while back that was said with the best of intentions, but has hit me somewhat hard. He said, "Well, (life with divorce) will be second-best". He said this because of the kids, obviously, and while its true i suppose, it is hard to swallow. Everything that I have sought as my ideal must now change. I don't think that I buy that its second-best. I know that God isn't surprised by this turn of events. I don't believe that He has decided that I'm damaged goods. I DO believe that the fact I'm divorced doesn't change the fact that He has a plan for my life that He will see to fruition. He knew this would happen. I don't believe that He WANTED it to, but He did know.

However, that being said, I now have a new reality that does not include my previous primary objective. I must now refocus my life and its goals around a new set of givens. In that manner, my world-view is having to change somewhat. What do you do when the things you have been programmed from birth to seek are no longer available? I have mentally and spiritually moved on from the hurt and all that implies. Its just that now I have to find new goals. They still include raising my children as best as possible, but the reality is that they live over an hour and a half away. The goals still include seeing them grow up to have successful families, but the reality is that they will not have a model of a successful home with both mommy and daddy in it. They include children that grow up knowing and fearing the Lord, but the reality is that they will go back and forth between "Mommy's church" and "Daddy's church". The goals still include finding the woman of my dreams and staying madly in love, but the reality is that it didn't work out the first time, and the odds on second marriages are abysmal. The reality is that the number of women that would consider a divorced man with four kids is a much smaller number than those who consider a man with no baggage. They still include a successful career, but the reality is that my career will be limited by location and by hours based on the long-distance relationship with my kids. So while the basic foundational goals are unchanged, the target has moved.

Moving targets have historically been hard to hit. As recently as Sunday, we saw how much trouble say, Drew Bledsoe has hitting a moving target! And he's a pro! He hit A target, but not THE target. Its the other targets that worry me. The second failed marriage. The third. The children with no inner compass. The failed marriages of my kids. Their rebellion growing up. Their emotional scars. Their bitterness toward their parents and God. The floundering career. Financial ruin. These things scare the living daylights after me, and just like an agressive cornerback, they are watching and pursuing my attempted pass.

The fact is, I don't know how to do this. I wasn't raised to be a successful co-parent from a distance. I didn't get the skills necessary to be divorced, because I was raised in a solid home and it was an absolute given that I would do the same. Divorce has NEVER been an option for me. That tenet has been instilled in me from infancy! My parents have been very supportive through this, which has been such a blessing, because I was sure that I would be rejected by my family. Successful marriage has long been a major focus of Dad's ministry, so I was sure my failure would be unforgiveable. I want to publicly thank my parents for their love and unwavering support in the darkest season of my life.

I welcome any of you to offer advice or discussion on this. Thanks for your friendship everyone. I love you all.
-J

Badmotorfinger. Orignally posted September 6, 2006

As many of you know, I've been on the road quite a bit this summer. I have spent 1 week in Houston, 3 weeks in Los Angeles, and 3 weeks in Phoenix. In addition, I've made two stopovers in Denver and Woodland Park, Colorado to see friends. I even made it out to Crested Butte on the fourth of July! I've have had a chance to play with some pretty amazing musicians, which has been really nice because I haven't been able to play much in the past year. Not to shamelessly name-drop, but I've been able to play with Barry and Michelle Patterson, Brian and Cathleen Hobson, Ben and Robin Pasley, and Mark Bovee this summer, and I must say, it has been pretty awesome. The LA and Phoenix trips have been somewhat draining, but also pretty good for keeping my mind occupied in a turbulent season of life. The flip side is that I've had lots of alone time in the hotel room or in the truck to think and process. The Colorado trips have been restful and re-energizing, as I've had dear friends gather around me and hold me up, both spiritually and emotionally (I love you guys). The last trip to Colorado was a whirlwind, but I got to play two sets. The best part of it, though, was that the morning I was going to get to play, I reached into my bag to get a brush, but it was wedged behind something and I couldn't easily retrieve it. Being the resourceful and engineering person that I am, I figured that the best way to get my brush would be to grab at it with more force (standard male response?) In any case, I very quickly realized the error of my ways, as a sharp and immediate sensation of pain overtook my entire hand. I was dumbfounded! How could a brush tine cause agonizing pain? I recoiled my arm quickly, and realized that my hand was now a nice shade of bright red, as blood was gushing from a brand new hole in my middle finger. Gushing. I looked again in the bag and discovered to my horror that I had neatly wedged my finger into the business end of my razor, and as I washed the wound in the sink, saw that I had taken about 30 percent of my fingertip cleanly off. My friend did as much as possible to stop the bleeding, but the gash was so deep that it did not respond to pressure - it just bled. We eventually got it covered up with the help of a first aid kit and some colorful vocabulary! The funny thing is, I was more worried about whether or not I would get to play! Once I got a bass in my hand, it was obvious that there was no way I could use that finger - my primary bass finger on my right hand. Barry Patterson had a great idea that we should take off the bandage and dip the wound in scalding hot glue, and just play through the pain! (My friends are the greatest!) We got the bandage mostly off, and as the last bit was coming out, I noticed that the gauze had dried into the wound, and as it came off, the gusher started right back up. At this point, those of you with a medical background probably don' t want to know what we did next! I wasn't going to an emergency room to sit for 6 hours to get first aid! They couldn't stich it up, because there was nothing to stitch, the fingertip was GONE! So I refused to do that and miss my chance to play! Instead, we took a rubber band and fashioned a crude finger-size tourniquet long enough to get some second-skin on there, THEN put the gauze and tape on with lots of pressure. I proceeded to play two sets with one finger, and used my ring finger when absolutely necessary. After that, I had almost NO use of my right hand, as one finger was in excruciating pain from not being there, and two others were in a good deal of pain from giant blisters from abnormal use! In addition, I had inferred pain coming off my middle finger, shooting up my arm! Amazingly, the sets weren't terrible! I was surprised that was able to pull it off! The finger is still in a pretty good deal of pain, but is healing somewhat nicely - the only downer now is that after being kept moist by the second-skin for so long, it dried out pretty quickly after it was removed. So now the rest of the skin on that fingertip has cracked and peeled off! It looks like it will probably heal over though, and not be permenantly misshapen. All I can say is, I am so thankful that we didn't use the glue! As soon as I got home, I got a wonderful 3-day weekend with my boys, which besides the poop-painting down the halls and on the sofa, was pretty uneventful! I hope to stay in town for a few weeks and catch up with you guys. Send messages often! They are the highlight of my day! Its strange living alone after not ever having done so...

I'm so happy I can't stop crying. Originally posted August 22,2006

I was listening to my new IPod while my plane was delayed for over two and a half hours today. I came across a record I haven't heard in years and a song grabbed me. This lyrics of this song is not indicative of the way things have gone in my divorce, as far as I know, as they relate to my ex-wife. She didn't leave me for another man, so I just wanted that to be clear. I post this not to disparage her, but to communicate the constant tinge of pain as I think of my boys. The overall mood and sentiment of the song is familiar to me.

I'm So Happy I Can't Stop Crying -
Sting

Seven weeks have passed now since she left me
She shows her face to ask me how I am
She says the kids are fine and that they miss me
Maybe I could come and baby-sit sometime
She says, "Are you O.K.? I was worried about you
Can you forgive me? I hope that you'll be happy."

I'm so happy that I can't stop crying
I'm so happy I'm laughing through my tears

I saw a friend of mine He said, "I was worried about you
I heard she had another man, I wondered how you felt about it?"
I'm so happy that I can't stop crying
I'm so happy I'm laughing though my tears

Saw my lawyer, Mr Good News
He got me joint custody and legal separation
I'm so happy that I can't stop crying
I'm laughing through my tears
I'm laughing through my tears

I took a walk alone last night
I looked up at the stars
To try and find an answer in my life
I chose a star for me
I chose a star for him
I chose two stars for my kids and one star for my wife

Something made me smile
Something seemed to ease the pain
Something about the universe and how it's all connected
The park is full of Sunday fathers and melted ice cream
We try to do the best within the given time
A kid should be with his mother
Everybody knows that
What can a father do but baby-sit sometimes?

I saw that friend of mine, he said, "You look different somehow"
I said, "Everybody's got to leave the darkness sometime"
I'm so happy that I can't stop crying
I'm laughing through my tears
I'm laughing through my tears
I'm so happy that I can't stop crying
I'm laughing through my tears
I'm laughing through my tears

I have left the darkness. Thank God for the light. Thanks everyone for your continued prayers.

Prayer Request - Originally Posted August 20, 2006

I am really struggling right now with various events in my life surrounding my divorce, and would appreciate if you could remember me and my sons in your prayers. I've posted once before that the damage done to kids in divorce is like watching a piece of fine china fall from across the room. You know its gonna fall and break into a million pieces, and you are powerless to do anything to stop it. I had them this weekend and they are really hurting. To top it off, they got to witness some of the vitriol between their parents as we were exchanging them back. I love them so much, and I'm so devastated that this is happening to them. I am a broken man. I want to be whole, and I want to be a rock for them. This is sadly getting ugly, and I don't want it to be.

Jim Terry. Originally posted August 13, 2006

It's amazing walking through my life in my mid-thirties. My life has taken turns I never expected, both good and bad. I am watching my children grow up. I have become something I never thought I'd be: An ex-husband. I am discovering a new and vital faith in the midst of personal failures that could have rendered faith meaningless to me.
All of these things and more have been somewhat surreal. But I just got a phone call that has left me numb yet again. I have been somewhat insulated from the effects of death for most of my life. I have made it to my mid-thirties without losing anyone I love. Now, some of these loved ones are beginning to pass away. I lost my Great-Grandmother earlier this year, but her passing was a celebration, as she lived a long life. I got a taste of the sting of untimely death last winter as a young mother I grew up with passed in a tragic accident. (see my blog post, Fragile) Now, a childhood hero and father-figure has been taken prematurely. Jim Terry was a man of immense stature to me. It was the same every year - Jim and Marlene stayed in the same room right next to my Mom and Dad in Ceta Lodge. Jim was the director, and my Dad was the storyteller. Most of my most precious memories are wrapped up around Elementary One-Way camp at Ceta Canyon, and as such, they are focused around Jim Terry and His family. His family IS my family. His daughter is a year older than me, and we grew up at summer camp together, from the time we were both far too young to be at camp. His son David was the big brother at camp, and was there to ease me into college life at Asbury when I came to visit. I cannot overstate this man's impact on my life. He stood at the front of the old tabernacle night after night, larger than life to me. He made it what it was. He and Marlene poured their very soul into that camp, and countless lives have been forever changed because of that ministry. Mine was just one of thousands.
Camp was last month, and for the first time in nearly 30 years, Mom and Dad stayed in their room at Ceta Lodge without Jim and Marlene next door. He was diagnosed with brain cancer not long ago, and it aggressively took his life in a short time. I know that He is with Jesus now, and the pain is gone for him. It is just beginning for the rest of us.
Farewell, Papa Bear. Godspeed. I love you.

What Next? Originally posted August 6, 2006

One of my great regrets in life is that I came so close to finishing my degree, only to walk away. I had hopes and dreams of a career in law, and due to the circumstances in my life, I let that fire die down to its last ember. Circumstances still render this dream nearly impossible, but I have friends in my life who are rekindling the fire. The thrill of academic pursuit has slowly begun to creep back into my mind. I wanted to post this here as a stand. It seems more real when I see it written down. I want to be a lawyer.

Words Of Peace. Originally posted July 31, 2006

The last few days have been full of unbelievable stress and anxiety as I've prepared for the first court appearance of my divorce. I've had a bit of trouble sleeping, and really wrestling with God over the way things have been turning out. But this morning, as I woke to prepare for court, my alarm clock sent me some pretty awesome words of peace. After hitting snooze the first time it went off, the alarm came back on and the first words I heard as I gained consciousness were: "Even when you make your bed in the dark place, I am with you. I love you. I always have, and I always will. Always have, always will". It was such an incredible moment; I had to share it with you all. To my friends: thanks for your continued prayers. I love you all.