Fragile, Part V: D-Day

D-Day. December 8, 2006. Eighteen months after things started down the long path to destruction, my marriage that began on March 29, 1996 ended this morning with no fanfare whatsoever. The divorce was settled three weeks ago, and I signed papers two weeks ago. All that remained was for my ex-wife to go down to the courthouse and sign herself. As simple as that, it was over - after months of hand-wringing, sweat, tears, thousands of dollars in legal bills, four confused little boys, six broken hearts, fifty pounds lost, 3 months of anti-depressants, negotiations, accusations, innuendo, nasty words, confrontations, and a complete financial disaster, it ended with a whimper. The only change today was one to insurance policies. The changes over this period of trial by fire, however, are countless to all but God. I am a different person as a result of this divorce. I am a better father, better man, and have a bright and hopeful future. God has worked on my character in ways that only He could. I am sad that it took the destruction of my marriage to get my attention, but grateful for the changes.

So as I consider the damage done and the massive benefit to me and to my children, I can't help but feel satisfied with this result. I'm sure that divorce wasn't in God's perfect will for me, but I'm convinced that my life from this point forward will be. My worldview again has been shaken, but again I think its a more accurate worldview. Grace has new meaning to me today. Its God's grace that has allowed me to see myself as He sees me. It's His grace that caused me to respond to His gentle correction. It's His grace that has brought redemption to the rubble of my life. It's His grace that has helped me to see the kind of father I want to be to my precious little boys. And it's His grace that will lead me farther up and farther in to the plan He has for my life!

Regardless of my romantic future, my future is safe in His arms. I will remain in His arms always! In the meantime, I am very satisfied and very happy today. Bittersweet? Yes. Sad? A little. But mostly - grateful to my family and friends who have held me up in this process. Mom and Dad - You raised me to never consider a divorce to be an option. Now that I have had to walk down that dark road, I am more confident than ever in your love for me, and your unconditional acceptance. Alan and Nancy Smith- You have been faithful friends for most of my life. You walked this valley with me from the beginning and gave your best to make sure I came out the other side refined. I love you. Gateway Church - without the support I have received from this body of believers, I would not have made it through without bitterness. To the men of Discovery Weekends - You showed me a Father God who I knew existed in my head, but never could fully let love me. Steve Heyduck - you are my pastor. Thank you for your unconditional love for me - blessings on your upcoming marriage! Millard Buchholz - you helped me to see Jesus Christ as my savior, and you gave freely of yourself and your time to help to save my marriage. I am completely grateful, even though it didn't end as we had hoped. To my MySpace friends - I have been so encouraged by your comments and emails. I never knew that an online community could be so tight-knit! I appreciate you reading my blogs and commenting on my thoughts. I've not written regularly like this since the sixth grade, and its satisfying to be doing it again and to see that you are reading and enjoying what I have to say. To date, there are 2,363 views to my blog posts! Finally, to my now ex-wife - I thank her for four beautiful boys. They are my life. I wish her nothing but the best and pray for happiness and fulfillment for her.

Now the next part of my life is ahead of me. First and foremost - I continue to pursue the Father God who has brought about these changes, confident that He who began a good work in me is faithful to bring it to completion. I feel like I am largely healed of the hurt and pain caused by this valley - although many who have walked this road before me tell me that I'm dreaming and it should take years upon years to find that healing. While I'm sure that there are unseen pitfalls on the path ahead, I do not accept that it will be a drawn-out recovery. I went to a Divorce Care class last week, and it was almost entirely a giant gripe session - (Oh yeah, you think yours was bad? well wait til you hear MY story...No, mine was worse, no mine!) I did not go back. It was a whole bunch of hurting folks talking about how much they hurt and how blindsided they are and how horrible their marriages were and how long and arduous the recovery should be, and if it isn't long and arduous you are doomed. I don't need that in my life, folks. My God is bigger than that, and I am confident of the work done in me. Are there more things He wants to do in me? Certainly! But I don't need to wallow, and I don't need the counsel and support of people who are bitter and callous. I've had my fill of bitter and callous.

So I will move forward with my life. I am excited to see what is coming in the days, weeks, and months ahead. For the first time in over a decade, I am excited about my future. I have a new hope, a new set of goals, and a second chance.


Currently listening :
Reasons Why: The Very Best (CD + DVD)
By Nickel Creek
Release date: By 14 November, 2006