Boomerang. Originally posted October 8, 2006

My son, Joseph got a prize today at church: a toy boomerang. When he got home, he had a blast throwing it and watching it turn and come back toward him. How many things in life have I thrown away and wished would come back? Conversely, how many things have I thrown away and wished to never see again, only to watch the familiar turn as it found its way toward me once again?

Let me start with the disclaimer that I have been on anti-depressants for some time now, and I missed a dose this morning. I took it late, and it may have nothing to do with my current mood, but I have been a bit out of sorts today. That being said, I'll begin:

I was talking with a friend last night about some pretty heavy issues in her life, and it came to me: I have only just recently fully understood the life-changing power that Jesus Christ brings to us. I could beat anyone anywhere at Bible Bowl - (for the uninitiated, its a Bible trivia game that was kinda big in Methodist circles in the 1980's) But that knowledge has been a double-edged sword for me. I knew all of the right answers. But I did not know Jesus. Not really. I would worship Him, and even played for many, many worship teams over the years, without a full understanding of who He was. In the weeks since my discovery weekend, I have come to a realization: This is sticking. I am a different person. He healed me there of so much pain and bondage dating back to my childhood. In fact, I was poised to write a blog on freedom. Freedom from bondage. Freedom from fear. Freedom to live as I was created to live. That blog will have to wait, because today it hit me: I am petrified.

I am afraid of rejection and of pain. Still. In spite of all of the great things that are happening in me, I remain fearful. I have been working hard to dismantle the walls that have left me somewhat protected, but also completely isolated. My life may appear to be a wreck to you, but in the words of a great song I heard yesterday, "There is beauty in the breakdown". My breakdown has indeed been a thing of beauty. I like me. Finally. The healing work in me has been on many levels, and has been nearly comprehensive. The only thing that remains to be dealt with is this fear. Now that I've tasted this elation, I am scared to death to lose it. I don't ever want to live in dispair again.

I don't understand why anyone wants to know whats behind my wall anyway. It's my treasure - and yes its valuable, but why does anyone else want it? I have protected it for so long, and now I find it exposed. The problem is, what if someone doesn't see the value in my treasure that I do? Or worse yet, sees its value and tramples it, or steals it? I have nearly finished dismantling this wall, and now I find that I'm afraid again of the pain. I felt that agony many, many times. I can't feel it again. And yet, as I shared in a previous blog - sharing that part of me with another is my greatest need. Sharing it, and finding unconditional love and acceptance, instead of the rejection and pain I've known thus far. I so long for that kind of love and acceptance. But then there's the risk. The risk of unspeakable pain.

I've found that there are many who want to find their way behind my wall. I've also found that I have a difficult time trusting. Maybe the wall is a good thing? At least in some form? Help me here, folks... Can't some fear be good? Isn't there an innate sense of fear when we get too close to a hot stove, or a sheer cliff? Danger ahead? Pain ahead? Death ahead? If I let down the wall, and expose myself to that risk knowing the potential for pain, don't I deserve the pain when it comes? Trusting someone with that is hard for me to do. How do you trust again when you've been beaten down over and over again? When your treasure has been scorned, why do you show it to another? How can you show it to another? I've gotten close to shattering this wall for some. I don't think I can do it though. Not yet. Time to rebuild? I don't know. I need your help and prayers. This is a "friends only" blog - so I trust that all of you love me and lift me up. I need your prayers today. I don't want to walk backwards into fear. But I don't want to ever feel that kind of pain again.

By the way - Don't ever miss a dose of anti-depressant! ;)
Sorry to rant...