Up Too Late. Originally Posted October 22, 2006

Ok, so what do you do when you cannot sleep? I'm gonna write, and see if by boring all of you, I can bore myself to sleep. What am I gonna write about? I have no idea! Thats the fun part!

Today was very interesting. It started with my son Will discovering a Sharpie marker early in the morning before anyone was awake. Now I've pretty much learned something new every week he's here. I've learned to remove the key from the deadbolt, and to put everything, and I mean EVERYTHING away. But for some reason, I managed to overlook this Sharpie marker. Maybe because it was in a box. the BOTTOM of a box that had come out of my truck when I was cleaning it out. Nothing else in the box was disturbed. Just the Sharpie. It somehow managed to make its way from the bottom to the 22 month-old's curious fingers without so much as jostling any other contents of the box. I mean Kathy Bates wouldn't have even noticed the penguin facing the wrong way. This kid is sneaky, smart, and quiet.

So he now has the marker in his hands, sans cap. The first thing he colors was a group of my socks closeby. No biggie. I had a friend give me a new washer and dryer, since my washer doesn't work, and my ex-wife is getting the dryer. I can clean up the socks. But then he proceeds to write on the parquet floors. Granted, since I had a flood recently, the floor was already kaput, and likely will be replaced by insurance. Next, he decided to mimic Dad and tattoo himself. Completely. Head to toe spiderwebs of Sharpie marker. AND poop. Lots of poop. Have you discovered a recurring theme here? This kid likes to poop. His poor momma has had to endure years and years of poop without much help from dad. (Notice I'm divorced! LOL!) Now its my turn to get a small taste of the wonderful world of the toddler. I need a xanax. Bad!

So anyway, that brings me to another fun thing that the kids Mom is gonna love. When Joe saw Daddy's new tattoo, his eyes got as big as saucers, and he said oh so dramatically, DAD........I WANT..........A TATTOO........LIKE THAT! ITS SO BIG.......IT MIGHT LAST A WHOLE DAY! So that should be an interesting conversation, yes?

Folks, I love my kids. I have discovered, along with so many other things about myself that I didn't know, that I love being a dad. I have a blast when they are with me. I miss them when they are not. We have fun together. Of course, Dad is still the heavy, but its different now. We play together, watch TV together, go to the museum together, go outside together, go to church together....on and on it goes. I never spent this much time with them before. My loss. Ethan and Joe didn't have the benefit of an attentive Dad when they were little, the way that Isaac and Will now have. Luckily, we have a good relationship. Sometimes its still hard, and there is damage to our relationship that still needs to be repaired, but its been a very good few months for the boys and I.

Ethan's face lit up today when he asked when If I was gonna move away, and I told him that I would NEVER move far away from him and his brothers until after they were all out of school. His face dropped a little when he asked if we could move again if we became a family again with Mommy AND Daddy, and I had to tell him again that wasn't going to happen. But Mommy and Daddy are doing well, and I trust that God is going to redeem this trauma in these boys. Ethan is already asking if Mommy and Daddy will marry other people. That's a hard question to field. But I did get to tell him how important he and his brothers are to me. He asked what about if I got a really good job playing music. It was really awesome to be able to tell him that they are and will always be the most important thing in my life, even more important than music or money. So many times we say this and don't follow through.

Like for instance when we worship at church. American Christians don't tell lies in church - we sing them. I surrender all. You are the Reason. I Give you My Life. Its All About You. on and on. God is the most important thing in our lives, as long as there isn't something more important! How we spend our money and time usually tells a different story. It sure does for me.

As far as my boys, I've always SAID they were important. But how I spent my money and time said something else. Now when I write that GIANT child support check every two weeks that has brought about financial ruin, I smile. I LOVE to write that check. It provides for me the greatest joy and freedom ever. I know that I am giving to my boys. AND I know that nothing else matters. My creditors aren't really very happy with me, but I dont care! They are SO not important. My boys are. My credit rating is nothing. They are everything.

Sorry for the rambling nature of this one - I know its poor writing and somewhat stream-of-consciousness. I'm not gonna proof-read it either. Its 2:30 am - and I'm going to try now to sleep. This is about as good as it gets this time of the morning! Thanks for reading!