Discovery Weekend. Originally Posted September 24, 2006

I don't really know what I'm going to write here, only that I need to write. It has been a long weekend, and I didn't get much sleep, so I hope this is somewhat lucid. My close friend Jerry Christensen has been asking me for about 5 years to attend a men's Discovery weekend that he is involved in. I've always said that I'd love to go and left it at that. This year, however, Jerry didn't give me much of a choice! He knows the situation in my life better than most, and knew I would benefit from some time away with other Christian men. He asked me to go again this year, and followed it up with a registration form he just happened to have handy. He then handed me a pen, said "sign here" and "I'll wait" like only a seasoned car salesman can do! I've bought six vehicles from Jerry, so I knew the drill! By the way, if any of you ever need a car, PLEASE do yourself a favor and go see Jerry at 5 Star Ford in North Richland Hills. He has always done right by me, and is a fantastic person, to boot! I am always happy that he gets the commission when I buy a car. Anyway, I digress...

I have had mixed emotions in the weeks leading up to the retreat. I grow very tired of perceived religious "mountaintop" experiences, as they tend to focus on emotional manipulation. Not intentionally, mind you, but the nature of such events is to tug on the heartstrings somewhat. Since I grew up as an evangelist's kid, and went from Methodist, to charasmatic Methodist, to Non-denominational, I have seen most everything. As a result, I have grown cynical. Having been in the post-high valleys that inevitably follow the "mountaintop", I have become jaded. Needless to say, given the events of the last year, I was at once anxious for something from the Lord, and skeptical that anything could make one tiny bit of difference in my life. I really didn't want to go, but I had been given a scholarship and felt obligated. In addition, I knew that Jerry really wanted me to go and it had meant a lot to him.

So I arrived Friday at the parking lot, and discovered that I knew no one besides Jerry and an old acquantance who was also in leadership. I sat by myself for what seemed an eternity, got on the bus and again sat alone, and rode to Mt. Lebanon in Cedar Hill. I won't give away any of the details of the weekend because it is full of surprises and I don't want to ruin it for anyone who may go later, but by mid-day Saturday, I felt the cynicism rise up in me. We had just finished listening to a testimony about a man whose marriage was saved from disaster after having been through far worse storms than the ones that sank mine. I started to grow bitter on top of my cynicism. Lunch was next, so I went to the room and put in earplugs and slept through most of lunch. I woke up in time to grab a quick burger and go back for more sessions. Again, more of the same. I was not able to enter into the discussion with an open heart or mind. I was just bitter and wished I wasn't wasting my weekend on this. There were people I'd rather have been with than this bunch of strangers preaching at me. Then something happened.

Some of you who are reading this know exactly what happened since you were involved, but again, I'm not going to discuss it here because its a major surprise for others who may go. I did want to say thanks to all of you who know what I'm talking about. When this happened, my heart was melted. God found an opening into my heart of stone and started to chisel the walls away. The rest of the evening, God showed me more of who I am, both good and bad. I saw more of the father in me that needs cultivating, and more of the father in me that needs to be cut off. I saw more mistakes I made in my marriage, and began to deal with these character flaws so that I won't repeat them. I saw people I need to forgive and events I need to finally settle in my spirit. I felt the weight of oppressive chains fall off my wrists, back, and ankles, and was able to worship again for the first time in many months.

I stayed late Saturday night determined to find God. I've seen too much in my life to ever not believe. He has shown Himself faithful time and again, and I cannot deny the things that can only be explained by a loving God who knows my name. But I've also seen piles of bullshit. Large, decaying, smelly piles of it. I've had a very hard time discerning the real from the bullshit. Now, mind you, I have a pretty good BS detector, but when you seek freedom over and over again and find nothing but continued bondage, eventually you start to doubt that freedom really exists. When you beg God to prove Himself real and to show you a faith that exists outside of the parameters of my father's faith, or the organized church, or the religious right, and find more and more of the same, you eventually start to doubt. It's human nature. The Bible says if you seek God, you will find Him. I know that He isn't hiding from me, but I've been looking for my entire life, only to find parts of the truth. I asked Him on Saturday night why He's so hard to find! I didn't get an answer, but I'm not giving up this time. I can't. He IS real - He's proven Himself - but what is real and what is bullshit? I'm tired of the stench. At the same time, I'm not the arbitor of this in the end. I'm not so arrogant as to assert that truth depends on my opinion of it. I just want to know what the truth is. I started down that journey this weekend. I appreciate your prayers as I walk the road.

On another note, whenever I post a blog, I generally have more than 100 people read it within the first 48 hours. However, I only have 7 people that have subscribed to my blog. Who are you fine people? If you take the time to read this far, please take a second to either leave a comment, send me an email, or even subscribe to the blog. I'd love to know who you all are, since I'm pouring myself out here for your perusal! Thanks!