Ok. Love. What a subject. What is it? I know the definition that you get from movies and TV, and I know the definition you get from 1 Corinthians. But beyond the hyperbole, what is love? To me?
I held my infant niece again today, and she is nothing short of miraculous. I felt her respond to every move I made as I held her close. I spoke softly to her, and listened to her breath and her baby coos... Wow. She listened to me speak to her (I speak baby, in case you were wondering) and she gave me several smiles as I spoke. Now I know that all of you, especially those of you who have studied child development, will tell me that an infant smile is nothing more than a reaction to stimuli. Just a muscle contraction. Nonsense! I felt love immeasurable today.
I have wondered today whether I could ever really love again, or allow myself to be loved. After giving so much of myself to another and coming up empty in the end, its hard to fathom. The openness required to truly love someone with my entire self creates so much fear in me, because I dread rejection. At the same time, being able to pour myself out in that manner is my greatest need! How do you reconcile that?
In addition, I have changed so much in the last six months that I hardly recognize myself. I'm not saying that the character flaws that contributed to the breakup of my marriage are fully resolved, but rather that there are parts of me that have been dormant since I was a young child that are now resurfacing. I am rediscovering who I am, and I like it, but I'm unsure of so much!
So what of love? Well, I have come to the place in the last week where the love of a woman isn't necessary to my self-worth. It would be nice to be able to share myself again, because this is such a great adventure! But I don't NEED it in some co-dependant way. I think that in the past I have. I have come to the realization that my worth is in the Father's love! He already knows me intimately and loves me completely. He knows my flaws, my scars, my wounds, and my character, and I am priceless to Him.
I don't have it all together. I'm sure I never will. I'm just a man doing his best. But I am walking with my head held high because of grace. My failures and sins are not my identity. My family is not my identity. My name is not my identity.
My identity is this: James Wesley Putnam - Child of God. Loved by God. Esteemed by Him.
When you see yourself as dirty and crippled, and then have your eyes opened to that truth, EVERYTHING changes. I am loved by the Master of everything. No woman could ever fill that space. When He is ready for me to share my soul with a woman again, I will be thrilled! Until that time, I will bask in HIS love and let Him show me who I am.