Fragile, Part III : Who moved my cheese? Originally Posted September 13, 2006

I've spent my entire life seeking pretty much one goal: the ideal family. As an evangelical Christian, this is what I've been told to strive for, and for good reason! Its what we were created for! We aren't made for divorce. Our children aren't made to grow up in a broken home. The reason we shoot for it is that it is how we find fulfillment! I wanted so much to find the woman of my dreams, have children, enjoy a fulfilling career, stay madly in love, raise my children to know and love the Lord, and watch them have successful families of their own. This has been the goal. I will not reach it.

My dad told me something a while back that was said with the best of intentions, but has hit me somewhat hard. He said, "Well, (life with divorce) will be second-best". He said this because of the kids, obviously, and while its true i suppose, it is hard to swallow. Everything that I have sought as my ideal must now change. I don't think that I buy that its second-best. I know that God isn't surprised by this turn of events. I don't believe that He has decided that I'm damaged goods. I DO believe that the fact I'm divorced doesn't change the fact that He has a plan for my life that He will see to fruition. He knew this would happen. I don't believe that He WANTED it to, but He did know.

However, that being said, I now have a new reality that does not include my previous primary objective. I must now refocus my life and its goals around a new set of givens. In that manner, my world-view is having to change somewhat. What do you do when the things you have been programmed from birth to seek are no longer available? I have mentally and spiritually moved on from the hurt and all that implies. Its just that now I have to find new goals. They still include raising my children as best as possible, but the reality is that they live over an hour and a half away. The goals still include seeing them grow up to have successful families, but the reality is that they will not have a model of a successful home with both mommy and daddy in it. They include children that grow up knowing and fearing the Lord, but the reality is that they will go back and forth between "Mommy's church" and "Daddy's church". The goals still include finding the woman of my dreams and staying madly in love, but the reality is that it didn't work out the first time, and the odds on second marriages are abysmal. The reality is that the number of women that would consider a divorced man with four kids is a much smaller number than those who consider a man with no baggage. They still include a successful career, but the reality is that my career will be limited by location and by hours based on the long-distance relationship with my kids. So while the basic foundational goals are unchanged, the target has moved.

Moving targets have historically been hard to hit. As recently as Sunday, we saw how much trouble say, Drew Bledsoe has hitting a moving target! And he's a pro! He hit A target, but not THE target. Its the other targets that worry me. The second failed marriage. The third. The children with no inner compass. The failed marriages of my kids. Their rebellion growing up. Their emotional scars. Their bitterness toward their parents and God. The floundering career. Financial ruin. These things scare the living daylights after me, and just like an agressive cornerback, they are watching and pursuing my attempted pass.

The fact is, I don't know how to do this. I wasn't raised to be a successful co-parent from a distance. I didn't get the skills necessary to be divorced, because I was raised in a solid home and it was an absolute given that I would do the same. Divorce has NEVER been an option for me. That tenet has been instilled in me from infancy! My parents have been very supportive through this, which has been such a blessing, because I was sure that I would be rejected by my family. Successful marriage has long been a major focus of Dad's ministry, so I was sure my failure would be unforgiveable. I want to publicly thank my parents for their love and unwavering support in the darkest season of my life.

I welcome any of you to offer advice or discussion on this. Thanks for your friendship everyone. I love you all.
-J